Squirt is so good, drink alot.

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What if JFK Drank Squirt.

The Magic Squirt Theory

  • There is a wonderful new tool used by the CIA and the FBI to triangulate where a gunshot came from based on some simple facts. Mainly bullet holes and a known target. It was originally designed to aid in a searched for the truth about the Kennedy Assassination. It is known as the KAT, Kennedy Assassination Tools.

  • Agent Grape recently got a copy of KAT and we decided to check something we all thought about. Giving the computer size and shape of an Alluminum can we put it in Kennedy's hand. This yielded in the bullet being deflected into Kennedy's head. Howev er we then gave it the densities of different sodas to actually simulate cans of different beverages. Taking into account the length of time the parade had been going we derived that the can would be about half full. Here are the trajectory results:

    Coke: JFK's Stomach
    Pepsi: JFK's Stomach
    RC: JFK's Colan
    Sprite: JFK's Head and Jackies Arm
    Dr. Pepper: JFK's Heart and Jackies Heart
    Mountain Dew: The bullet would have been sent on a strange Kamakazi path killing the Kennedy's and the entire Crowd!
    Squirt: The Bullet would have been totally diverted back to the Assassin.
    Ruby Red Squirt: The creator of Muzak would have been killed.

    We all wish JFK had been drinking Ruby Red Squirt.

  • Please report any problems, ideas, suggestions to the Visionaries who created this site.
    Daniel Linsley, Thomas Hunt Mack Martin
    Last updated on Jun. 11 1998